I AINT’T A GAY
The song was coming from win amp in my computer and it blew surrounding my ears. It reminded me to some embarrassing time. Still, I had a pitch with the memories, although I wanted to delete it quietly. I had a hard-core crash with Andrei. We met first in registration entering this college. After that, we had an affair, an abhorrent affair. Then, I realized it’s wrong. I broke my relationship to him, and then he was going to be mad. The result was; he announced to everyone that we ever have a deep feeling. I had a blind alley on my mind. I felt I want to sink to earth.
I was waiting for Azizah’s arriving. She is my stepsister brought by my new mom. They come from Bali and they’re really nice. The good-looking girl with a nice veil and a long-dressed is also studying at the same university as me. She always gives me support on every matter I have. Especially, after she had known my proscribed relation with Andrei. She made me conscious about my complicated time and guided me to a right way. I still confused. I couldn’t forget Andrei because, of course, we are a friend. Moreover, we are in the same class at this department. I ensured my self to live in normal like the others man. “Keep in the right path, Surya. You are a strong guy, even though you are a bag-bones man. The Lord always guides us.” That was Azizah’s words to encourage me.
KNOCK! KNOCK! “Assalamu’alaikum!”
That was Azizah.
“Wa’alaikumusalam warohmatullah” I replied her greeting and opened the door. She was standing before the door and gave me a sweet smile as usual. She looked at me and seemed understand what happened to me. “Please, can you give me a rest? I feel so tired; I have hunted news this afternoon. In addition, this is two-thirty p.m. its better if we done it after Ashar praying, Okay?’’
“I had known it “she interrupted. “The gossip had spread very quickly. Moreover, we are in the same faculty. Don’t worry, Ya. Every matter in this world has been a way to exit. It depends to you.” She walked to her bedroom after giving her smile again.
I rode my motorcycle to Cengklik water-reservoir the day after. It was special place where we–me and Andrei–got along together last time. I still trembled with fear when I remembered that black time. And, it’s wrong. It made me sure that the path I had taken is the best way.
“Okay, he announced to everybody in your class that you’re a couple, right. “ Azizah repeated my last sentence last night “what’s your reaction?”, she continued.
I took a breath, “Actually, I can’t do anything. At that terrible moment, I wasn‘t at campus. I had leadership training in Tawang Mangu.” My tone became higher, “spontaneously, my friends, particularly the girls keep apart from me.
She kept silent. Thinking.
R U in d mood of Maliq & D’essentisals smashed the solitude. KLIK! I stopped the ring tone from my cellular phone.
“It’s coming from the man on the spot. He wants to meet me in our place” I had a sharp glance to her.
“Andrei?” she understood. “Listen, first, you must talk to him. Confirm about his action and try to make him know about your choice. If you were lucky, maybe he would accept it and get in the same way as you do. After that, it’s necessary to clean your brand-image.” She walked to her room. After a couple minutes, “here you’re!” She offered a recorder. It had still new. She bought it after she had inaugurated as a reporter in Student Press Institution in our university.
“Just as a guard” she smiled and spoke the function related to my matter.
It had been a month. I had broken Andrei since that time. And, during that I behaved as a friend to him. I treated him as a gentle. Nevertheless, his way conducted me wasn’t so good. It’s impossible unaddressed him. We are in one class.
I turned right and entered the place. There were Andrei, but he also got together with others. They—the two men—beside Andrei seemed to be very close, an odd intimate. I realized they were also a couple. Andrei should make me see the other gay couple to feel me in horrified.
“Surya, let me introduce them. This is Jake and the handsome one is Ed”, he held up his finger to them, one by one.
“Oh, you are kidding!” Ed replied together with laugh.
“Okay, we will give you a beautiful time” Jake pointed his thumb to Andrei. Together with Ed, they walked and made a distance.
“Ndrei, what do you want? You’ve known that I’ve got repent. Why do you still force me!?” I could not keep my cool. I regarded something and flattened a button inside my big jacket. The cassette was running. “What are you thinking about? You said to everyone that we are a couple! Fortunately, my parent didn’t know it”
He smiled in a strange way, “it’s true if we are a couple.”
“Honey, I just want to give a chance so that you can turn back into the right way”
I felt my blood keep running to my head. “What kind of the right way?”
“The true choice is to get together with me. Looked at them”, he pointed toward Ed and Jake. “You should still become mine if that annoying girl, Azizah, didn’t come to you!”
“Don’t involve Azizah! I move because of my own standpoint”. That was the reason why he invited them. It is disgusting. “Can you see the story of Lot and his mankind? GOD had punished them. Earthquake and fire rock rain had come to them”, I took a breath for relief. “They are a contemptible people. You know how hard the torture. We have to keep in GOD path.”
“Do not become a cleric in front of me, Surya!” he screamed. “You know that I love you…”
“The love is from above. I got sunshine. And, do you know? It’s shining trough my eyes. Do you know what will I do if I’ve been covered by doubt? I pray to HIM. My Lord lead and show me the way to brighten up my day. I had repented. Please, do not make me irritate again. Your effort is in a vain. The relationship is forbidden. GOD always warns also guide us. Yes, I admit I ever have that such feeling. But, I’m sure I can change this.”
“No, you can’t” he tried ensuring me. His eyes stared mine.
I smiled. “Yes, I can. Maybe, GOD will give me a high rank because of this feeling. You know the property and obligatory of humankind in this world are same. The one that make it different is the shape. Not only homo person must keep their desire, but also hetero. We, a homo person, had given a way to reach a noble thing on GOD face. If we can regulate our lust, we save. In addition, it becomes plus mark for us. Perhaps, our degree will become higher than hetero person.” I pushed the eject button on Zizah’s recorder. This is a powerful token to show. I walked. Kept away from him
“But, Surya…” his voice asked.
I kept walking
“Surya, you’re an egoistic man!” I heard he shouted.
I just did not care about. I felt stronger than in the past. I got my motorcycle, entered the key, raised the rudder and started to make it run.